Kickin' Rocks

with Don Pennington

We Are Proud of the minds we mold.... but then....

It's a sad sad day. What do you do? You are cruising through your hot rod life having a pretty good time, not too many lumps in the road, when something comes at you from the blind side that shakes your very reason for owning twenty two cars.

Messing around with cars is looked on by many, no, by those who call themselves" the ordinary people" as an alien life indulgence. Why would anybody mortgage a house that is almost paid for to build a car? Ordinary people believe that cars are  intended to be service units, hauling lawn mowers and kayaks and plywood and kids from point A to point B, nothing more. Normal people buy a certain car primarily because it has a flat roof to haul things and can be driven without to be servicing for 10 or 7 years, and beyond. Cars no longer need to be lubed or even waxed! Almost all the chrome is gone so you don't need to polish that, and upholstery fabrics resist all sorts of stains, but I understand there are a couple stains that have endured the ages. One in particular is so highly revered that a friend named his first child "Mohair". If beings from outer space carrying the antidote for every know disease to mankind were to arrive here, ordinary people would gladly put up with just about any weird things they may do. Even the dirty Volvo and Saab drivers, I mean drivers of dirty Volvos and Saabs, who adamantly believe in the A to B philosophy would even allow aliens to play with cars, if they must. There may be more ordinary people driving cars than there are rodders, but for us... of course you mortgage the house...what else?

There are laws that govern playing with cars. Certain laws, the Hot Rod Laws, have always been there and it's not our job to break or even modify them. As I understand it the laws were laser engraved into this giant block of billet aluminum way back when. Their actual location is super secret and only hot rod munks know where they are so the Volvo and Saab people can't find them, if they were to even see the laws they would have an automatic conversion and start putting V8-60s in those Volvos that look like ‘48 Fords. We were warned from birth not to tell outsiders about the laws (law number one), if you do, one of the munks will slip a swap meet memory lag pill into your soda which will make your brain run slow, resulting in your being two days late to all swap meets....forever.  

One of these law deals with cash flow, teaching us to stretch the money envelope to put stuff on the car. This is a valued life lesson either instilled in us by our dads (don't tell mom), or we just figured it out. Going to Sunday School we learned many more lessons. One day in particular I remember the pastor saying something about going forth and gathering, I didn't hear anything about going forth and gathering....within your means, or when you can afford it, he just said go out and get your stuff. Being a child that respected my elders, especially my teachers, I believed that if I didn't do this I certainly would turn into a pillar of salt. We must do our work... for the betterment of mankind. Another law requires that you have subscriptions to at least four car magazines, while yet another insists that you never plan a family vacation or work on the house on the same week end as a swap meet or rod run. Others discuss mandatory tire smoke, the minimum number of carburetors allowed on Cadillacs, Oldsmobiles and Pontiacs (which is six), and the most important one of all, there is no maximum number of cars a rodder can own, either in his lifetime or at one time.

As we grew up these laws were attached to our brains one at a time, usually after you ruin that new part because you read the directions after you installed it. The expensive lessons are the hardest to accept but we remember them the best. So we don't change to old laws and we add new ones as we break stuff and pass all this along to the new kids coming up. Not all laws pertain to the actual car or it's parts or how you put them on. Some, maybe most, deal with how we act around and in the cars. Like the one that prohibits spinning tires in the Bonneville pits and throwing salt my beer, or that when in, or near, or are going for a ride in a hot rod, you must wear a hot rod t-shirt. This may be the second law you hear about after birth.

The Hot Rod Laws are invaluable when raising your kids around cars or bringing a kid under your wing to instruct him or her in the correct way to live their car life may be the best part of hot rodding. You see these kids grow up, mature, get smarter and pretty soon are questioning your decisions, often times for good reason. You are proud that you are influencing this new rodder. Them something happens that makes you question your years of involvement. This is a sad sad day, in the daily mail comes the new Bonneville souvenirs that I had ordered to beat the rush at the souvenir trailer. The kid comes in the shop and you say "hey, look what I have" knowing that you have two, one for her (in my case), and one for you. You toss the shirt, she holds it up and then says......"I don't wear these anymore". YOU DON'T WEAR THESE ANYMORE? What? Did I hear that right? Go out and come in again... same answer.

Holy whatzit! My world has ended. Were all those years of indoctrination wasted? Memorizing the laws, teaching, teaching, teaching. Was it all lost? I suddenly start questioning every hot rod thing I have ever believed in. Was the V-8 a good idea,  is red a good color for a hot rod, did Gary really pick yellow because he likes it? I don't know, I'm confused, I need a nap. It's a sad sad day.

Kick a Rock.

DP