Kickin' Rocks

with Don Pennington

You Can Do Anything....If You Got a License

Just about the best moment in a rodder's car life is when he gets his driver's license, the first tangible sign that you have entered.... "the car zone". The months and years of anxious waiting for "the day" are thick with plans of cars you are going to  build, places and people to conquer, and of course the non-stop 3000 mile coast to coast trip. The last few days before your driver's test are the pits, they crawl by, you even look forward to Biology class to waste just one more hour. When you are going through this haliaetus time it seems as if that day will never come, your adolescent mind congers up all sorts of things that can happen to keep you from getting that little piece of paper, but the time does come, and after several tries for some of us, you are in the club.

Holding that license in your hand for the first time is really cool. The bummer about it is that when you pass the written test, you wait for what seems like a thousand hours for your turn at the driving test, pass that test even though you know the inspector screwed you on a couple of things, then wait some more for the final word that you have passed.  You don't actually get the real deal that day you get a cheesy piece of paper, the real one comes later in the mail, a couple of weeks later. Even though you have your license, you can't actually show it off because it isn't the one with your picture, or finger print or whatever they put on the official one.  Not only does the phrase anti-climax finally have meaning, but you also get your first lesson in how slow the government manages things. Private business would get the whole test done in 20 minutes and offer a picture package including a wallet size, two 4x5s, an 8x10, a family portrait, a coupon for a super sized meal at Mickey Dee's, and a whole line of genuine leather wallets to pick from to carry your new ticket to motormania.

All things said and done, a driver's license is a pretty cool deal, and like child birth the result is well worth the pain, so I am told. It is the key to a huge amount of independence and the official marking of the beginning of your car life. Up until now it has just been dreaming and talking, but now it's real, you are in the circle! This is just one of many such life experiences you can have with licenses and you are soon to realize that there are government agencies waiting at every turn to demand you purchase more licenses, whether you like it or not. There are fishing licenses, and hunting licenses and business licenses and pilot's licenses and marriage licenses and.... well you get the picture. Then there are also permits which are actually licenses, required to build a house, have a parade, own a dog, put up a fence and another one to tear it down. These are intended to protect us from bad things happening (so they say), and often these fees fund programs that require yet more licenses and fees. But not all permits and licenses require fees.

The same day I got my license, we were driving home when I experienced my first confrontation with one of the free license holders. As we were tooling along, with me at the wheel for my first official driving experience and being overly cautious to demonstrate that my parents' confidence was not misplaced, some "yahoo" suddenly changed lanes in front of us. I know the guy was a "yahoo" because that is what my mom yelled at him..."you yahoo"! "That guy thinks he's got a license to drive like a maniac!"  What's that, another car license, count me in.

Some of these free licenses can save your bacon. Like the time we were cruising the parking lots looking for new El Caminos. In those days they were  prime targets, not because they are cool cars, which of course they are, but because the spare tire was behind the front seat and comes out real easy. One night in particular, as we, I mean an unknown tire collector who I had never heard of before, was in the act of adding to his wheel and tire inventory when the owner of the nice new El Camino in question suddenly appeared and with a certain amount of indignant attitude wondered "what the hell are you doing?".  You can imagine the surprise on the unknown collector's face getting caught red handed. But suddenly it came to him like a epiphany.... looking fiercly into the owner's eyes he blurts into the face of the owner..... "I have a license to steal, that's it.... a license to steal... so bug off!". The owner was so shocked at such an indignant response that he just stood there dumbfounded as I...  I mean the unknown collector... escaped without a trace... and without the booty.

There is no official list of licenses so there is no place you can go to see what is available. You kind of either follow what you have heard like a "license to steal" or you visit the Creative License Office, which can be best accessed when three or more buddies are standing around, doing nothing special just.... you guessed it.... Kickin' Rocks! This is where you can get a license for anything you want to do. With several geardriven minds that apparently have nothing better to do than talk about such nonsense, anything is possible. Based on my first day of official driving and my mom's feeling towards sudden lane changers, I now believe that there should be a license for Road Rage. I presented this thought to "the group" and got an overwhelming consensus and a unanimous..... oooohhhh...this sounds like fun!  Legislators have decided that Road Rage is such a problem and that those who indulge, and get caught, should have an opportunity to meet new people, get tatoos and play cards with like minded people down at the local concrete and barbed wire village. If a license were officially issued it could bring a fresh and exciting new " to do list" of challenges for car guys everywhere, hopefully without the concrete consequences.  Bureaucrats will love this because it has the potential to generate huge money and well worth any fee that may be charged. (My blank check is in the mail.) One thing we must do is make it more "PC" and use a name other than Road Rage, maybe name it after a new group we could form like the American Society of Street and Highway Organizations for Loud Engines. With this new piece of paper slid into your wallet, pick up a couple of buddies and go defend the principles upon which this new organization  was formed, scolding inappropriate drivers by screaming the acronym of your new organization for all to hear. Who said gearheads don't know how to have fun?

Kick a Rock

DP