Kickin' Rocks

with Don Pennington

 It's Muroc and the Thirties...All Over Again

I think I remember when old man Gutenburg came in from a days work in the garage next to his house somewhere in Germany and told the wife that he thought he was on to "sumsing". Having heard this many times before she just kept stirring the grog pot as Joe (that is what everybody called Mr. Gutenburg) continued at length about his new invention. "Zis iz really beeg" he continues, "it'z different from mein incandescent bulben lighten or zee raineebirdee lawn zrinkler", especially since there wasn't any plumbing to hook the rainbird to and electricity was not to be discovered until 200 years or so later, this guy apparently was way ahead of his time. As with his many other discoveries Joe G. was convinced that this one would reinvent the wheel or at the very least create a whole new way of doing things that would realign nations and educate the stupid. Maybe yes... maybe no.

Years from now we can look back on this giant glob of hot rod testosterone we have wrapped ourselves in and blame it on Joey Gee and his machine.  If he didn't invent that thing we wouldn't have those piles of old grungy musty magazines to look through on our never ending search for those January through June 1948 Hot Rods. There are certain things that are allowed in the hot rod TV lounge and a pile of magazines emitting an odor second only to decomposing road kill, is high on the list. The other side of the question of course is that we wouldn't have the hot rod history books and all those how-to articles to show us what we did wrong.

You know those special Saturdays when everything seems to be just too cool, the wife is off doing something... anything that will keep her out of the garage, the doors are open and a nice little Huntington Beach breeze is wafting through keeping everything nice and cool, your best buddy has stopped by and you are both working on hot rod projects, the real TV is zeroed in on replays of anything with cars or naked girls, no talking, just doin' it. About the time you are really getting into the silent bonding thing you hear..."this blankityblinkin computer". Computer? Yessireesir, there actually are car guys that have computers but just like the ballot chads in Florida they are definitely kinda hard to find.

Times change, or so I've heard, and most of the old car guys that I know  (that's oldcarguys, not OLD... car guys) have done pretty good keeping up with most of the changes between 1955 and 1959, not much since.  I'm still having trouble coming to grip with cars that smoke the front tires, actually I don't think I ever will, it just ain't right.  There is one area however that hot rodders have treated like their wife issuing honey-do orders, they just play dumb. This may be a little ahead of the interest curve for most of us, but... you know those TV screens that sit ontables all over the free world?  FLASH! They aren't TVs! The easiest way to know this is by looking on the front of the "TV" and noticing that there aren't any knobs to turn the thing on and off, or change the channels, and worse yet....they don't have remotes!  I was told of someone who sat in front of one of those "TVs" for two hours on a Saturday morning waiting for the cartoons, all the while thinking that the funny pattern with all the little symbols he was looking at was some kind of network test pattern, and that it will be fixed soon, hopefully in time for Underdog or Boris and Natasha or Lash Laroo or Crusader Rabbit.  

Apparently these fake TVs have been around for a while. I guess they do all kinds of stuff, you can even pay your bills with one and since there is no money slot in the side, my buddy tells me that he has been told that I  can write checks and someone in the new cyber something or other will pay. For a car guy to make the jump from scratching on the floor with chalk or telling the day of the week by how many beer cans are stacked in the corner, getting one of those smart boxes demands a huge life direction adjustment or at the very least you will be betraying some of the things we have depended on for all those many years. We all know people that will always carry a piece of chalk around, no matter what these new fangled contraptions can do for you. Next time you are standing around Kickin' Rocks, ask if anyone has a piece of chalk... chances are that guy doesn't have a computer. Give it a try! So lets assume for just a moment that you cave, which also supposes that you have an interest in learning how to run one. Almost immediately great gobs of time are sucked up with you sitting in front of the thing. Time normally spent washing greasy parts and grinding slag not to mention the occasional trip to the emergency room is now diverted into getting a stiff neck and fuzzy eyes. Your buddies, who are still computer stupid, start noticing that you aren't working on you rod and you have told them about a new lake or something you have found just up the beach from D Bay.   

The future seems dark, this new thing is going to suck our brains dry, until you think about what the fertile hot rod mind that has created all kinds of stuff that makes America great can do with it, it's Muroc and it's the thirties all over again! How about chrome plated or flamed boxes with louvers for those TV screens, or little ‘29 hiboys instead of what they call a mouse, or using Mooneyes instead of that little pointy thing that moves all over the screen for no apparent reason (everytime I move the hiboy mousie thing the Mooneyes move, what's that all about?). This could expand into creating entire worlds to play in, walls covered with a whole new pile of keeper stuff, cut pile wool carpets, Itallian seamed leather chairs with lumbar and heat and vibrator with miniature Americans for wheels, Buddy Holly and Fats Domino jammin' through a couple of 18" bangers and a 10,000 watt amp,  it's all good. Many see this mystical new machine as a distraction to hot rod life, not since Johannes Gutenberg and his printing press (did you figure that one out?) has the world been faced with such a terrible thing... computers are here and we should just grab hold and start screwing with them.

You already have some ideas for products in mind I'll bet. I've got one, I remember having to spend all kinds of time on the phone keeping up with friends, and then there was the, heaven forbid, occasional hand written letter. How about we hook the computers together, just like phones, hell maybe even use the phone lines since they are already there. Then we can send messages to each other without the "hi how are ya" niceties, you just punch in your message, it's....easy! How about we could call it "Easy" mail or "E" mail for short. What do ya think. Man I hope nobody has thought of this yet, I think I'm gonna be rich. Better call Foos and order a car, I'm sure he'll let me pay when the money starts coming in.

Kick a Rock

DP