Kickin' Rocks

with Don Pennington

Diamonds or Hot Rods...pick ONE!

Well there you are, sitting in your special garage chair hiding from all the after unwrapping mess, yet another year of Christmas gift mediocrity has passed. The kids approved 6 of 43, 4 others are possibles and the rest... apparently are yours, which is not all bad since you didn't think they would like the digital tire gauge anyway. The wife.... well she's really happy about this Christmas, all smiles and bubbly, unless you ask her then hang on, that will no doubt trigger a non-stop review of all the things she has done for everybody else for years and years while depriving herself and all she gets is those cheesy gifts.... blah blah blah. The tirade lasts about an hour and a half, or at least it did last time. So... Christmas mercifully has passed on. During this whole "marvelous" annual experience you have spent untold hours wandering the malls seeking that perfect gift for the little biscuit burner, hundreds of possible gifts have flashed before you, but none came up to the level of greatness that she deserves. (Right here you should read that last part out loud a couple of times, while shaking your head in agreement and adding... yeah that's right... she'll like that). You did however come across a few things you could use, which is always good. Anyway... she's upset because the diamond train missed her stop, again. A pissy mood hangs in the air, but all will pass, it usually takes until just after Super Bowl Sunday for things to mellow out. It's hard to get co-habitant absolution when the world apparently exists solely for the benefit of men.

Christmas should be a joyous time, a time when we all get new stuff, and like most of it. The key is the wife, find that one item that she would never have thought of, something that costs a lot because as we all know the "I like it" value is tied directly to the price tag. It should add a dash of color and excitement to her life. Diamonds are not good because buying them is like getting a new hot rod and loaning it to a museum, available for use only on special occasions, you might as well burn the money. Checking with the financial advisor (who curiously enough is also a hot rod buddy) you consider your options. Buying a building for rental income is beyond you reach, stocks are too unpredictable, home improvements... nope all you need is a chair, a TV and a refrigerator. What to get? The answer is within reach, if you are standing in the garage. It's got to be....another hot rod! A red one... to park next to the other red one, man that's gotta look good, wall to wall red. Some guys just go out and buy the car without caring what their wife's interests are, or even asking her, and then has the nerve to call it "her diamonds" and thinks it clever to tell the story about "her diamonds" at Christmas parties coast to coast. Jerk. But we are different, we are going to include others in the process, to one degree or another. First, the kids. Never mind the kids they get enough stuff and they never go along on rod runs anyway. How about the pets, nope they don't go either unless it can fit in a ‘32 glove box. In-laws, who cares. Well we can't dodge it any longer, how about the wife, what would she want in "her" new toy? Let's make a list. For some reason many women hate hi-boys, they gotta have fenders, that is first on the list (many do like open cars...God bless'em). Then comes the creature comforts, roll up windows so her hair doesn't get messed up (every three months or so I kinda like that too), plenty of leg room for those long runs, cushy seats, smooth ride and stays cool. All these things we can... consider. I am sure she would also want plenty of blown power to cruise with the big Caddies and Lexi, so she can beat that mall-sale-check to the bank. It's our job to give her what she needs! But.... but with all this sales pitch information in hand you still need to get that all-important stamp of the wifie-okiedokie.

Let's assume we have the green light, so you and your "financial advisor" can hit the road. Swap meets, the internet, rod runs, it used to be that all the cool cars were for sale at the local gas station, one on every corner. Your wife doesn't know you have started the quest but you are going to be extra careful to find something she will love, or at least try your damnest. On the first week-end of the great search there is a giant swap meet about a hunert miles away, this place has all sorts of cars, everything from stock Metros to Cad converts to muscle cars to hot rods and customs, yummy yummy yummy, there's got to be something there. So with the cash crammed into your pants you head out about oh-dark-thirty. On the way after you advisor finally wakes up, you talk about what your wife would really like in a car and then what you want, the second part takes much longer. By the time you get there you have zeroed in on the ideal addition to the stable. As you walk around and start looking at the cars hoping THE car will have all the stuff she wants, owner after owner after owner attack you wanting to make a deal, wondering why they are so aggressive, your buddy-financial advisor- hot rodder thinks it might be the giant bulges in your pockets, they know that you have either seen Mae West or you are packin' the green and ready for action. And then....BANG! There it is. You own it from a hunert feet away, too bad about the stuff she wanted, maybe next time.

The swap meets over and you have bought the coolest brightest red hot rod ever built, kind of matches the other one, it's just bitchin', and best of all you stole the thing! Low ball of all low balls. The owner obviously was an idiot, he didn't know what he had or anything about hot rods, let's get outta here before he changes his mind. When leaving the fairgrounds you notice the guy that sold you the car leaving at the same time, you gave him a wave and he kinda hides behind a telephone pole, seems strange. Anyway you are on your way home to show the wife, you can't wait. About ten miles down the road you hear this noise, which got very loud very quick. You got home a little late that day, and even with the tow bill and the repairs you still got an okay deal, sort of. You pull in the driveway slowly, you want to surprise the wife. Going in the house she says "how was the swap meet, it must have been a big one, or did you break down gain. You know I have been thinking about the new car, it's okay with me as long as you get any color but red".  Whoops.  Maybe the jewelry store is still open?

Kick a rock

DP