Kickin' Rocks

with Don Pennington

 Big Fat Tuck and Roll and Traffic School... The Special Things in Life

Whenever you go to one of those actionless packed non-Goodguys rod runs it's just a matter of time before the lies run out and the latest jokes are being repeated to the guy you heard it from. Standing in the inevitable circle we turn to matters of worldly importance and talking about how things have changed and how "some people" are not maturing as gracefully as others. The circle group agreed that sooner or later decrepit old bones would rather sit in a cushy chair than dig the hot rod out and go smoke some rice rocket pocket cars. The pebble was kicked to the next opinionated circle mate who said, "someone should build a place where we can go and all that cool stuff we did in the day would be new again, it wouldn't be a  retirement "facility"... no siree, it's a special theme park, that's it... a theme park for hot rodders where you can live when your kids are getting tired of the Drool and Depends experience". What a great idea! Sign me up... even though I am decades away from needing such a place I would toss out my down stroke for a spot, but it's got to be a corner spot. Think of all the cool stuff you can have, a movie set of Colorado Blvd. For New Years, gas stations with a pop machine and a big clock in the window and of course a burger joint.

It used to be that "fast food" was a sit-down coffee shop or drive-in restaurant where they had menus, water in glasses, giant tuck and roll upholstered booths and waitress in tight pants and roller skates. Even those joints way out in the middle of nowhere had this stuff, it was one of those automatics of fifties life like a wrecking yard with a $10 trans pile. When the McDonald brothers and patty flipping kings across the country started giving us fast and cheap food, little did they know that they had opened the door to a social slippery slope. The burger boys started by eliminating the sit-down option and offering a much faster stand-in-line fast food window.... outside in the rain and sometimes snow! Hell we didn't need no damn service, gimme me the grits! But who cares... we had our bag of burgers for a buck and were on our way. This was state-of-the-art restauranteurism. Some of us malcontents started squawking right away about not being treated as kings and having "our table" with a special waitress to mess with (usually for no tip or better yet turning a glass of water over on a napkin then going outside and see how she handled that challenge, I never did watch what happened but I'll bet it was a mess). Anyway, the waitresses were gone and standing in line is what we endured to get the 19 cent burgers. What's next? Eventually we got the tables back, but no tuck and roll only hard hard hard fiberglass, we also got to snake through one of those Disneyland chrome pipe mazes to order our food by number, pay in advance, pour our own drinks and then clean the table and throw our own trash away when we were done. Who ever heard of such a thing, hell my Mom has been picking up after me since forever, did these yahoos think they were better than my Mom? No more waitresses, no more up-side-down glasses of water, it's a sad sad time.

Through all of this, we have been conditioned to stand in these lines and do the clean up thing... and like it! I don't gotta like it, but this conditioning has changed everything! Used to be you could talk your way out of a speeding ticket, now it's automatic, we get the ticket and we take it, you don't even have to sign them anymore... this final opportunity at kickin' back is even gone! We know it's automatic so we don't even try anymore. When was the last time you told a cop... "there are people being robbed while you are writing this ticket, why don't you go get that guy? Hell, I pay your salary (that ones usually works good) ... you guys are nothing but traffic clerks... why don't you turn in your gun and get another pencil and a new ticket book or is that a punch card, and while you're at it try and find someone that can spell "fat cat pension" for you?"  This one sided tirade doesn't keep you from getting the ticket, but I promise you that for 15 or 20 seconds you will feel like you are king of the road.

This new world is making everybody think they are something they aren't. The pervasive noggin knocking advertising with those stupid tunes and catch words has convinced many people of many things. Who cares where the beef is, if it don't make my stock flathead run like a fire breathing fueler... then who cares. Jumpin' on the bandwagon is a game we have all played from time to time, and it is a good hobby as long as it's not your wagon everybody is jumpin' on. Taking advantage of someone else's great idea is okay, we all like to be on the winning team but hot rods are off limits. According to these rice rocket guys, they have hot rods, hell a famous hot rod-builder-with-a-TV-show-who-shall-remain-nameless told them so, and on national TV to boot! If hot rods are such a cornerstone to these deviate life styles, how come when you ask Sushi, "how do you say hot rod in Japanese?", he says..."hot rod". You have a hot rod but your don't have a word for it, the first thing you need is a word. Oh man... take the buzz machine of yours and go circle burn or slide or drift or whatever you and Boyd call it. It's a bunch of people sitting in grandstands smelling tire smoke, who ever heard of such a thing!?!?

When it's your wagon, it's your rules. You should be able to kick the freaks and fakes off. Hot rods and what hot rod people do have come into vogue and now everybody is lickin' the icing off the cake. Even John Force says he has a hot rod. Maybe we'll let John get on the wagon because he's a "from the streets guy" who has done what we all would like to do, and since it's our wagon we'll let the 700 time Funny Car World Champion on, but the other guys are out. Recently one of those stockie car guys said he had a hot rod, I think it was that Spencer guy. Why don't he say he has a stockie car, what's the matter not enuf sex appeal for you, not enough icing on the cake. Stock cars are not hot rods, actually I don't think they should allowed to use flames! That Darrill Wathrope says he has been into flames since before there was fire. Looking back, I can't think of anything he has done that had flames on it, he is just jumpin' on the truck with the rest of the wannabees. Jeff Gordon has flames on his car, his hat, his uniform and who knows what else because someone told him they were going to do flames, so he needs to find out what they are and try not to use the term "flame out". And while we are at it those flames those guys use are weak, they're stubby and goofy looking. The real flame guys like Rod Powell and Big Daddy Roth quit using flames and started using them again before that Jeffy kid was even born!

It's all those McDonald guys faults, they suckered us in with 19 cent burgers and thick thick malts. The only way we can fight back by expressing yourself, defending our wagon from invasion by the imported infidels and punch card cops.  Stay pleasant but hold the line and try not to do it anywhere near your new law enforcement/traffic clerk best friend. I must admit he was very helpful after all, 42 consecutive week-ends in traffic school is a fun fun time!