Kickin' Rocks

with Don Pennington

System Houses and Fighter Planes

Flexibility is the name of the game, not yoga flexible but "things to do" flexible. Hot rodders can do this for a while and then go do that, just like little kids. If you are a hot rodder and easily distracted, you are on the team. It's the flexibility part that doesn't pop up with other life forms, take golf for example, hit the ball, hit the ball, hit the ball, mix in a little walking and some elbow bending, end of flexibility. Car guys are all over the place, playing with it all, including the elbow stuff. The cornerstone to being flexible is being curious, "what makes that do that?" You never see one of those knee high pants guys filling an old pipe with golf balls add a little lighter fluid, some old gas and the last of the nitro left from the dragster wars to see what artificial hail looks like and  how far down range will  it fly when fire is added to the mix. Hot rodders do stuff like that all the time.

Finding something different to do day after day sometimes makes us stretch our brains for a second or two, but there always seems to be something. Everything has been done so reaching back and reliving an especially fun time is good and it may be about time to do that again. When we were pre-licensed hot rodder wannabes a great thing to do was visit the used car lots and try and convince the guy that first... we were actually old enough to drive a car even though we left our license in our other pants, and second... that we really did have a job so $27.50 a month including insurance was a can do. Used car shopping at a dealership hasn't been on my list for a long time,  we confined our games to rod runs and scanning ads, but you just don't get the same scum level as doing the used car lot tour, being flexible also means being mentally sharp and this will do it

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Used car salesmen have all the cool mind twisting stuff. Their bosses make sure they know the latest scam and how to shove it down your throat,  things like slipping the proverbial "undercoat" into the deal and financing it for 30 years at 30% and you not know it's happening. To begin with, when you walk onto a dealer's lot you have entered enemy territory, it's a war zone, and you must defend yourself. Recently I was spending some time with a guy that had just put in 2 tours in Iraq jockeying a tank around dodging land mines and rockets and such, he's 2 Silver Stars and a Purple Heart, as we drove past a dealer I suggested we go in and look at the new trucks, he said "hell no, I ain't goin' in there, that place is dangerous". Let's see... battle hardened decorated veteran... won't go on a car lot...  Will Robinson never saw such danger. If there is a definition for "uneven playing field" a car lot is it. Us car guys think that since we know cars we are prepared to do battle. Don't kid yourself. Going on a car lot is like sitting on the stand in a courtroom and being jerked with by a lawyer... he has gone to school for years and years learning how to dominate you and make you say that... yes you are a weirdo, you hate your mother and are willing to give all your money and car parts to your ex-wife. Car lots are the same way, except the salesman has learned his business better, all day long when there aren't "hammering out a deal" (do you think there is a reason it's called that?)... these salesmen are screwing with each other, trying to kink somebody out of something, anything... even if it's just making someone else make the trip to the coffee machine and pay for it too.

So, given the fact that you are on the downhill side of the hustle you need to be prepared. Some people say you need to edgejamakayte yourself, read the newspapers, look at ads, talk to people... bla bla bla... not me, I think all you need is a car purchasing team composed of three or four guys with wise ass personalities, with at least one being over 6-5 and 300. The team should have a code name like Procurement of Transportation Assets, "PTA", this way you can tell the wife you are going to a PTA meeting, she'll like that. There is only one rule to this game, you are not here to actually buy anything, no buying, just shopping, it's a game. With the PTA members in the car, you announce you have gone through all the papers and there are 15 or 20 trucks you want to go see. Don't do this until after the car is moving, less chance of them bailing on you. Ads are an interesting study, if there is a way under the sun to con you into going to look at a car, these ad writing people can do it. Apparently the salesmen read the ads too because when you pull up to the first lot a used car salesman in his white shirt and tie, lying on the hood of a car holding a balloon and barking what a great deal he has... especially for you on a one owner, non smoker, low mileage, old lady driver, never been wrecked, always garaged, absolutely perfect, back seat never been sat in, original paint, no money down, all receipts since new,  the best one he has ever had bla bla bla bla.. All this before you hit the curb. You are his "UP", system house talk telling everyone in sight that you are his bitch (they say it on TV so we can say it here).

One thing that really screws these guys up... don't tell him which one of your team is the buyer.  This guy will be bouncing around between the four of you asking questions and giving you all the spiel, every time he asks a question, one of the guys he's not talking to should ask him a really stupid question (no problem coming up with this). This is fun. Soon, the salesman will disappear and another will pop up, this is called a "TO" or turn over. When salesmen aren't getting along with a "target" they switch off hoping another salesman will do better. See how many TOs you can create at one dealership, or better yet can you bat around the lineup? How many salesmen do they have? Soon they may ask you to leave, or salesmen will just stop showing up which may be more fun than actually buying the car. This may be so much fun that you could do this every Saturday, at different dealers, you could even have PTA t-shirts made up, and paint little salesman silhouettes on the side of your driver like WW2 fighter planes.

Stay flexible keep your head about you, this is great fun. You know you are smarter than any salesman on the planet, nobody's going to manhandle you! The cardinal rule about not buying a car is a good one, you bought the truck because you wanted it, you needed it, even though you didn't understand some of the things on the contract, it must all be good, the salesman said so and he's coming over for barbeque on Sunday, but that's okay because I am letting him do it, it wasn't part of the deal, at least I didn't see it on the contract.

Kick a Tire

DP