Kickin' Rocks

with Don Pennington

Rachel Welch, Rocket Sleds and Broken Windshields

What is the deal with these Murphy's Laws? I don't know who this Murphy guy is, or was, but it's a good thing he's around so we can have someone to blame the stuff on that we aren't smart enough to understand. The Laws don't seem to be written down anywhere, in an exhaustive minutes long search to discover Murphy or any sign of his laws, the entire Rock Kickin' staff was unable to find squat. Since these rules that seem to control our world are so important, you'd think that Murphy may have been up on the mountain a week or so before Moses getting a couple of T6 panels lasered with these laws, but not so. Murphy's Laws are really powerful, they are not written down anywhere, nobody seems remember any of them except as circumstance appears that bring them to life and they are constantly changing.

Somewhere in a stinky little 4x4 room behind the men's rest room at the local 1960s style Signal Gas Station that's been out of business for twenty or so years, is a guy pumping out these laws, scrunching them up into a little ball and tossing them out the window, where an Official Murphy Troll snatches it up and randomly delivers it to guys working on cars. We got one just the other day, we were trying to get the motor to set down on the mounts when the hoist dropped a bit and smashed my finger. After the usual comments regarding the associated pain level and the competency of the hoist operator , my buddy the hoist operator, says " it's one of Murphy's Laws... every engine installation must be accompanied by at least one smashed finger". This sounds right to me, and history has shown it to be so, but how did he know that? How did he know it was an Official Murphy's Law?

There has got to be a standard set of laws somewhere, maybe implanted in your noggin when you are born and labeled hot rodder, I think it's the secret society of Murphy Trolls that sneak into hospital nurseries and waves a checkered flag over the chosen few and whispers the laws into their ears.  Having said that, it comes to mind that because of the massive number of laws, this would take a very long time and trolls would be caught in the act and the baby would be labeled some kind of Harry Potter disciple, lightning bolt tattoo on the forehead and all. The logistics just won't work, it's got to be that the Laws are in the air and ever changing.

There is this guy named Terry, who seems to say the darndest things, which for some reason we have labeled as some of Murphy's Laws. Things like... We don't believe in miracles we rely on them, and... When all is said and done, more is said than done... and The only difference between this place and the Titanic is they had a band... and You buy it, you own it... and If you can't find it, we ain't got it. Obviously these are a little far afield to be real laws, but they seem to fit a lot of stuff. Terry doesn't know anything about Murphy's Laws, he just talks that way and we put them on the list. He's that kind of guy that when he enters a room everybody shuts up to see what will come out of his trap next. It may be a law and it may not (another one of Murphy's Law).

Then there's luck. Take the guy that always wins the rod run raffles for example, he gets also bennies like when  his new TCI chassis arrived and they didn't invoice him for the rear-end, or when he got his new order of t-shirts from hotrodmotors.com they charged him for one shirt instead of one DOZEN shirts? Stuff like that. Some people are just lucky. If I had pulled my finger out just before the motor hit it, my buddy the hoist operator would have said... "boy were you lucky, that could have smashed that baby flat".Maybe the definition of "luck" is Murphy's Law without blood. Even though having the laws around to give reason to  everything, luck just can't be beat, and those having it are highly respected. When was the last time somebody called you a bastard and you liked it, but if they call you a LUCKY bastard, you are all smiles and liking it a bunch, looking around with a smirk on your face wondering who is thinking... "yeah he is a lucky bastard".

Some information tells us that this Murphy's Law deal started with an air force officer, Capt. Edward Murphy who was an engineer in a rocket sled program, who commented on a glorious rocket debacle by saying "whatever can go wrong will go wrong", or something like that. Interesting thing for a person in his position to say don't ya think, real positive and all. Can this really be the beginning of the revered Murphy's Law scam?  The year was 1949! Now you and I know that as long as there has been people who talk, there has been some wise ass throwing gas on the fire, and I think that the wise guy was there long before rocket sleds, given the age old and wide spread international expression of disdain signified by the raising of the middle finger, and of course those drawings on a cave wall in France. There just had to be a Murphy before Murphy. I think this 1949 Murphy is somebody's idea of a joke... given the fact that THE GUY'S NAME WAS EDDIE MURPHY! Nope, the laws must have started in the caveman days.  I saw the original Murphy once... there was this movie with Rachel Welch wearing this "costume", if you look close you can see Murphy number one in the background scratching on the cave wall with a chunk of charcoal something like "Caveman women with killer bodies should be as close to naked as possible".

The real cool thing about having Murphy around is that there are no set laws, you can make them up as you go. You can even come up with one that pitches on you buddy or points fun at an especially embarrassing thing that he would just as soon forget, but we can't allow that... can we? Laws like... "He who attends daughter's PTA meeting should have taken large dose of Gas-X" or "Always look behind you before leaving a public restroom" or "When eating Jello make sure upper lip is free of little green hanging things" or "When pitchin' on someone's car with new pink and green graphics with purple checkerboard... look around first". And my personal favorite... "When kicking a rock to emphasize a point, aim away from your NOS ‘53 Studebaker windshield".