Kickin' Rocks

with Don Pennington

Russian Body Shops, Rules and Other Worthless Stuff

You know... there are a bunch of things that just aren't right. I'm not talkin' about hungry people 10,000 miles from here, many people think we should feed ‘em all. I tend to think that  if there isn't enough food where they are... they should move to a foodier place. I suggested that to a member of the Weekly Rock Kickers Roundtable the other week when we were standing around the burn barrel solving the world's problems and was soundly thumped for my thoughts, the "thump-er" said that those people are hungry because of our foreign relations policies and they can't do any traveling because they don't have any food. Two problems there... our foreign policies have been feeding a big chunk of the world for some time now, and... why can't they travel, if there isn't any food where they are... why don't they move on?  You can starve sittin' down or starve trying to fix the problem, and if you're out there banging away you might just get lucky. Have you ever seen anybody get lucky sitting down?  I'm also not talkin' about redistributing the world's wealth, the Ruskies tried that and you see where they are today, most of theme are over here standing in those free money federal check lines waiting for the money our legislators have said they could have... for free... hell they don't even have to pay taxes on it or work a lick to get it, we're doing that for them too!

Let me leave this thought for a moment and talk about our new friends. It seems that the only occupations in Russia were connected to the body shop industry. Anyway it seems that way when all you come across is Ruskies running body shops in the garages of their rented houses. One great thing about having a body shop in your garage, the wrecking yard full of parts is as close as your back yard, and front yard in many cases. The other day I was down at the local trade school getting some tires balanced (hey- you gotta save a buck wherever you can)... there was this stack of pamphlets-  "Welcome to the Land of Opportunity and How to Start Your Own Body Shop/Wrecking Yard Using Federal Grants". Some of the highlights of the pamphlet included a list of government agencies that will give you money, a list of the most popular cars to steal and a list of shops in Ivan's area that would buy parts off those cars.

Back to the original thread... the things that aren't right usually come from screwy thinkers, they  come up with a screwy idea which becomes a rule, it gets passed along to another screwy thinker, then another... and another... and soon it becomes a rule among the screwy thinkers. The problem with these things is that this new rule sometimes takes on a life of it's own and soon it's a LAW. Look at that third taillight deal. "Let's see..." (some screwy thinker thinks)... "the car stop lights aren't doing their job even if they are the size J-Lo's quarter panels, my 104 year old great aunt says her last three rear-enders happened because she couldn't see the stop lights through her 3/4" thick sun glasses." To make it sound real good the screwy thinker decides to make this new rule a safety thing, looking for some support he yells over to the next cubicle... "hey Dumbo, what do your think?" Dumbo who is screwy thinker number two in the screwy thinker pyramid says... "Uh, yup, I tank it be gooood".  The big problem is that Dumbo 2 also works for the office in D.C. that creates highway safety policies, so now we have a third taillight LAW!  

Most of this country's screwy thinkers seem to be in D.C. (although there have been one or two that have slipped into the weekly rock circle). For their efforts of coming up with new things to make our lives better they are pullin' down ridiculous pay checks, have a ridiculous bottomless expense account and will collect a ridiculously obscene pension (which they have set-up and vote increases on). It looks to me that the better lives are being handed out to the new imported non-workers. They get free money because they are at a disadvantage since they come to our country without any money. Let's see, I think my family is owed a bunch too, I pretty sure that when our families originally hit the shores of the colonies there wasn't any government officials on the dock handing out turkey coupons. They have all kinds of government programs to help them which of course is paid for out of our pay checks. The only thing that will make the process of collecting and distributing "our" money more efficiently would be to have the dead beats come directly to our jobs and get a chunk of our check on the spot. But that won't work well for them, soon they would be bitchin' about having to show up once a week at a certain time, which of course would cut into their car choppin' and all-day sleeping time, so they would want you and me to deliver the cash to them directly, no checks... and the mush brains in D.C. would agree with them (protecting their civil rights) and make it so, another law punishable by immediate confiscation of everything you own... plus penalties and interest of course.

Fortunately there is a bunch of stuff that are Rules and not Laws. The difference is that if it's a law we are on the hook, we must pay under threat of interest and penalties and an auction on our front lawn. Rules on the other hand are just operational guidelines that we can ignore if we want. As an example I came up with a plan that I made my own personal rule, it goes like this- when we get to be a certain age our kids should be required to support us for the rest of our lives in the style to which we have become accustomed. I believe that... and think it should be a law, but most everyone in may family thinks it should only be a rule, with the attached option to ignore it if they wish. I think this is a good idea, all but the ignore part. Not because I can extend my nap hour(s) but because we have it coming. The kids can afford it too, and it's not like they wouldn't be getting it back, when we kick they will get all our stuff. So they are actually investing in their own future when they pay our bills, look at it as an investment in life, my life... the kid's money. By combining their check with our hot rod money we will be able build cooler cars and more of them, it's for THEIR best interest. When they were rug rats we gave them all the stuff they needed like food and diapers and toys (many of which I kept and sold on ebay), and they should do the same for us! I don't know about you but I haven't got much back from those early poverty years except all that mushy "dad" stuff and the occasional "I Like Cars" t-shirt for Christmas. Another law, no more t-shirts unless they come from that hotrodmotors.com guy.

Screwy thinkers are like a bad social disease, what about that emissions tax credit deal that is operating in California, maybe it's over now, but the fact that it was ever there in the first place at all... is political BS. I don't know much about it, and not knowing hasn't been much of an influence on coloring my opinions in the past, so no loss here. But, apparently for every old car that the oil companies destroy they get credits against the laws that have been put on them to straighten up their act to clean up the air. The more cars they crush the longer they can pump out the black stuff, ignoring the law. Apparently they think it's a rule, not a law, so if you know somebody and spread enough black gold around you can change laws back into rules, it's all a matter of who you know. So... whether these and a thousand other screwy thinker rules that have  mysteriously jumped into the law column, I really don't give a hoot. I'm an American, born here American and as is the case with most of our citizens, I don't get concerned about anything unless they're beatin' on my door down lookin' to take some of my stuff, sorta like the oil companies crushing a car that would look real good parked in my front yard, or when the gas prices go up so high that my monthly support check from the kids won't cover the cost of the new quick change, then I break out the musket. This is not the way I want to be, but time has shown me that the power brokers like Russian Body Shop owners more than they like me, except of course when it's time to shovel the tax money their way, then they like me just fine. These rules and laws can make the little guy go goofy... maybe even stop following the rules, retreat into his own little world or open a body shop helping the new Russian bondo sniffers find real jobs. For us hot rodders this would be an easy deal, we already have the garage and the yard full of parts cars and some year old bondo in the bottom of the can. Here is something I heard somewhere, not sure where or who said it, but I'm almost sure it wasn't me... "Laws are laws and rules are rules, and I don't care much for any of them, unless of course they benefit me".