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Kickin'
Rocks World Order; It's Up To Us... Again Doancha just think that Superman is cool? Granted he dresses in kind of a geeky suit, his tights have the pulled-up-around-your-armpits-egghead-pants look, but he does have a cape (probably to hide the wedgie), then there's that big letter "S" on his chest, and coolest of all... he can fly! He would show up just in time to kick a little butt and arrest the bad guys. When those times of trouble pop up we sure would like to look up, point and say those magic words..."look up in the sky... it's a bird... it's a plane... it's SUPERMAN!". It may be time to call the S-man once again, some people say the world is screwed up...again, and apparently it is up to us hot rodders to fix it... again. Everybody knows that cars and the people that screw with cars are the center of the universe, therefore the rest of the world is obligated to follow us, the domino effect will eventually result in total hot rod world order. The reason compasses point north is because after Columbus landed in the Americas, he loaded up a bunch of old flatheads and hauled them up to the north pole, then Superman's dad made the pile of rust magnetic, hence the compass deal, if it wasn't for us the world wouldn't know which way was up. Let's start fixing the little things, the first one that pops into my brain is rod run chairs, all those carbon fiber bundles of sticks that magically explode on the world like that potato zit thing in Animal House. They take up a bunch of space and setting them up has become a sport like a NASCAR pit stop. Before a car stops rolling, doors fly open and people scramble out flinging those chairs into place in one movement, next the team coordinates to rip the awning out of the trunk, everybody grabs a leg and starts pullin' and shakin', POOF the awning is up! Territory captured! The only thing that is missing is planting the flag. They have won the day, standing there, hands on hips and gazing to the horizon, a little out of breath, but the testosterone is flowing! Each car brings 3.4 chairs (recent national survey), some have head and foot rests and are two or three seats wide like these big giant canvas couches. Since each car brings the mess and apparently at least 3.4 people, why not eliminate the stuff, everyone just sits in their cars and the space problem is solved. World issue; over crowding is ended. Finding a parking spot at a run is one thing, but getting a GOOOOOD spot is another matter. This too can be easily solved, sometime around midnight get in your car and with your sleeping bag and a hot drink, go get in line at the fairgrounds. That should do it, guaranteed you will be among...oh say...the first five or six hundred in line, if this isn't good enough then you just go a day earlier, then a day earlier and then another day earlier, eventually you will be first in line. I have never been that early but am told that even if you are first in line, when they finally open the gates and we all scramble in, it looks like a whole bunch of cars were let in early. What the hell!?! To solve this, stop by the local ship anchor chain and giant lock store before you leave home, and get say... three feet of chain per gate. After you have put your car in line, go chain the gates! This oughta do it. World issue; orderly lines and taking your rightful turn makes you a better person, and it really pisses off the favor traders. Two problems solved. Next, the cost of things seems to be absolutely nuts. Some people actually believe that "it's all relative, compare what you are making today with what you spent on cars in say 1965, today is a deal!". Don't buy into that, it's Commie talk. This problem requires a certain propensity towards larceny (you gotta be part thief). With the identity theft thing going big time it was just a matter of time before one of those low-lifes turned legit and wrote a book. Go Get the book! Carefully read the chapter about acquiring numerous credit cards... then just start ordering stuff. Don't worry about paying the bills because the cards are not in your name. Not only will you get some cool stuff, this process when practiced globally will really help the world. World issue, bringing the credit mongers to their knees and put us back on a cash basis. And finally, it's the thousand dollar convention center Coke, they are actually only three bucks but might as well be a thousand. If Coca-Cola can make the stuff, bottle it, put it in a $50,000 truck deliver it to a grocery store that sells it to you for $.99 a six pack, profit included, why do the Cokes that come in paper cups three quarters filled with ice cost so much? There is no world issue to be fixed here, but there is a way to save a buck. A friend would buy the biggest Coke in the joint then in the bathroom he would pore half the Coke into a second cup, add clear plastic bag and top off with a little water. He would then return it complaining of the bad taste and would demand his money back. This works every once in a while, it's not an answer to any problem but you get a half of a Coke free and the entertainment value is priceless. There you go, a couple of ways that can help save the world. Many things can be put on the right track simply with a little humor, have you ever noticed that the guys that cause most of the trouble in the world never seem to smile much, maybe it's because they are thinking about that big red, white and blue boot about to be firmly planted in their arss, this is more of an incentive program than a world problem fix, but it seems to work pretty good. Kick a Commie DP
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